I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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