You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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