My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
