im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
