i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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