PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
