I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
