6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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