I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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