Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize