At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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