You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
