I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize