I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
