Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
