Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
