Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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