I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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