Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so let's talk penis.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
