I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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