I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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