I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
