She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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