I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
