Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
