fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
