WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
