i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
