just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also, beer. Big fan.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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