i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
