I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
