The best revenge is premature balding
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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