so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
