That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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