please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
