some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
