I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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