wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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