When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
