i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
