I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize