I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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