I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
