I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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