omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
