Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
