I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
