Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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