That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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