Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
