I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
