In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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