everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
