turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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