I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
