Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
