when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
