Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize