i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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