I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
