Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
did i walk over a car last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
