Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Im part way to drunk.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
