Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
