My room smells like vodka and shame
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
