Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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