He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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