i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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